Many of us grew up with annual Easter egg hunts, but while we take the time to write letters to Santa Claus and his elves, how many of us stop to ponder the mysteries of this other, fuzzier nighttime messenger? Offkey has a shadowy sit-down with the one and only Easter Bunny to ask the hard-hitting questions and get the answers you need to hear, whether you celebrate this holiday or not. Everyone... meet the Easter Bunny.
Cayla: Welcome to the blog. Are you male or female?
Easter Bunny: I’m an immortal, ubiquitous, anthropomorphized member of the family Leporidae of the order Lagomorpha. You’re asking about my gender?
Cayla: What did you want to be when you were a little bunny?
EB: A big bunny.
Cayla: When’s your birthday?
EB: I don’t remember, I was being born at the time. Check with my parents. Although, they probably won’t be of much help. I come from a big family.
Cayla: Why do you distribute eggs?
EB: Conveniently enough, they’re on sale this time of year. And because eggs are very versatile –they’re small and compact, easy for me to carry; you can dye them; you can eat them; you can store candy inside of them; you can throw them at passing cars. What’s not to like?
Cayla: How do you make all of your deliveries on schedule?
EB: Hey, they don’t say ‘quick as a bunny’ for nothing. Plus I have a moped.
Cayla: Are there multiple Easter bunnies?
EB: Nope. Well, there are those weirdos who dress up like me at malls. But come on – would anyone else want this job?
Cayla: Easter chicks are pretty steep competition for you this time of year – how do you cope?
EB: Chicks are small and easy to crush.
Cayla: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
EB: You know what? I’ll tell you what. The bunny came first. That’s what.
Cayla: Do you like marshmallow peeps?
EB: No, they generally have a bad attitude – conceited. You know, puffed up.
Cayla: How did you get started in this line of work?
EB: It was way back in the day, you know, and my friends and I were having a sort of Dionysian blowout, and they got me to promise to deliver eggs to children from around the world. They haven’t let me forget it.
Cayla: Do you care whether children are naughty or nice, as your peer, Santa Claus, does?
EB: Don’t talk to me about that fat bastard.
Cayla: Do you ever get anything in return? Santa gets milk and cookies…
EB: What did I just say???
Cayla: Do you get paid?
EB: I distribute candy, so I’m paid on a commission basis by dentists throughout the world.
Cayla: Is it dangerous hiding eggs in houses with cats and dogs?
EB: If you get served papers demanding payment for hospital bills… you’ll know why.
Cayla: Do you make deliveries all over the world?
EB: I go where there’s demand. So yeah, pretty much everywhere.
Cayla: How do you get into people’s houses?
EB: A good friend of mine taught me some lock-picking skills when we were doing time.
Cayla: Have you ever been arrested for breaking and entering?
EB: Yeah, that’s why I was doing time. Hasn’t happened in a while, though.
Cayla: Well, thank you very much for taking the time off your busy weekend to be here with us.
EB: Yeah, whatever.
Have a happy holiday everyone. ;) Be back next week!